Seriously, if it wasn't for this little dog of mine, I wouldn't even see a hint of light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. She is the one and only thing that keeps me going in this world! I think for those who suffer from depression, having a pet can do wonders for the psyche. They give you a reason to get up in the morning and they reduce stress levels by being able hold them and pet/scratch/belly rub them.
Yes, I suffer from depression, I wouldn't say I'm ashamed to admit it, but it's not really something I'm proud of either. It can be incredibly debilitating, even while on medication. Certain things trigger it and when you add in a lot of anxiety and worry it can become nothing short of overwhelming.
I also think I've turned down the road to perimenopause. YAY ME Any female, in my age group, may be well aware of the symptoms and frustrations that go along with it too. Lately, it's been mood swings, sleeplessness, fatigue, headaches and a fuzzy brain as I like to call it. I have had some night sweatiness, but nothing too bad yet.
But, back to my doggie, she's not perfect, but she's perfect for me. Sometimes I wonder if she's not a departed family member who has been reincarnated as my companion? Although she was born in Nevada, anything is possible, right? Even the Moo-cat tolerates her and they get along quite nicely. If only they had more space to play, like they used too.
Please, for the Love of......soon!!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Why Blog??
Sometimes I ask myself why should I bother blogging? I mean, other than to get thoughts down it really has no value, does it? It's not like anyone is reading it or remote interested in it! I may go back to Journal writing, so that when my time arrives for infirmity, distant family members can read of my life, the pain, the pleasure and perhaps get a better idea of who I am or was. Unless I discard them all before that time arrives? Hmmm (ceremonial burning?)
Blogging is something infinitely personal, unless of course your prattling on about celebrities and the like. Which as I get older, grows less and less entertaining.
I have of late, lost much of the zest for life and things that once interested me are not very appealing. I've been down this path before, its quite familiar to me, even though it can become extremely unpleasant.
As I age, I find, even though on my part I do attempt to nurture such things as friendships/relationships they fade. People move on, they're busy with kids, life and careers. I completely understand and yet am I being so selfish as to want to claim some smart percent of their world? I haven't made a new friends for several years, some acquaintances, yes, but as for friends, none. I've lived here now for 7.5 years, not one friend, no social gatherings (other than his family) and no social groups, interest groups or activities benefiting my hobbies or interests.
I suppose at first, I was satisfied with my social group being his family. Now, that novelty as all but worn off and reversing in the other direction. (But that's a whole other can of worms)
Then, my father died, I had to deal with the estate that left me physically and emotionally exhausted.
From there came my sister's major surgery State-side and the hullaballoo surrounding that.
At last it was my time for surgery, when I had a total hip replacement on the left side at St. Mike's in Toronto.
I was eager to get back to a job after recovery, but I wasn't very successful on the first two counts, the third was miserable and now I'm finally employed, although part-time. My current job, friends you say? No, I work alone and only see people in passing coming or going, only there long enough for pleasantries.
While my sister has plenty of suggestions, why don't you join this or do that (all while she sits at home most days of the week doing nothing) Anything I have been interested in has a) cost money b) been cancelled c) interferes with my work schedule or d) I get the feeling that Fab wouldn't go for it.
I also find that now that I'm a "mommy" aka: dog owner there doesn't seem to be as much freedom in doing things. While I would NEVER trade my dog for anything, she's my kid, some people don't seem to understand.
So, there you have it, lonely gal seeks friendship with others. Also seeks a home, but at this rate, I'll be in the nuthouse before that happens.
Blogging is something infinitely personal, unless of course your prattling on about celebrities and the like. Which as I get older, grows less and less entertaining.
I have of late, lost much of the zest for life and things that once interested me are not very appealing. I've been down this path before, its quite familiar to me, even though it can become extremely unpleasant.
As I age, I find, even though on my part I do attempt to nurture such things as friendships/relationships they fade. People move on, they're busy with kids, life and careers. I completely understand and yet am I being so selfish as to want to claim some smart percent of their world? I haven't made a new friends for several years, some acquaintances, yes, but as for friends, none. I've lived here now for 7.5 years, not one friend, no social gatherings (other than his family) and no social groups, interest groups or activities benefiting my hobbies or interests.
I suppose at first, I was satisfied with my social group being his family. Now, that novelty as all but worn off and reversing in the other direction. (But that's a whole other can of worms)
Then, my father died, I had to deal with the estate that left me physically and emotionally exhausted.
From there came my sister's major surgery State-side and the hullaballoo surrounding that.
At last it was my time for surgery, when I had a total hip replacement on the left side at St. Mike's in Toronto.
I was eager to get back to a job after recovery, but I wasn't very successful on the first two counts, the third was miserable and now I'm finally employed, although part-time. My current job, friends you say? No, I work alone and only see people in passing coming or going, only there long enough for pleasantries.
While my sister has plenty of suggestions, why don't you join this or do that (all while she sits at home most days of the week doing nothing) Anything I have been interested in has a) cost money b) been cancelled c) interferes with my work schedule or d) I get the feeling that Fab wouldn't go for it.
I also find that now that I'm a "mommy" aka: dog owner there doesn't seem to be as much freedom in doing things. While I would NEVER trade my dog for anything, she's my kid, some people don't seem to understand.
So, there you have it, lonely gal seeks friendship with others. Also seeks a home, but at this rate, I'll be in the nuthouse before that happens.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Early September
It's the changing of the Seasons once again as we edge closer to Autumn. I've never been a huge fan of the change from Summer to Autumn as we all know what comes next....winter! Don't you find that we tend not to notice that change from Autumn to Winter quite so much? Probably because by that point we're so tired of the greyness of November, we can't wait for some snow, just to liven up the landscape. Not only to brighten the canvas around us, but also to add just a little bit of excitement, no? The first snow or two always seems to be a new lesson for many drivers, unprepared and quite possibly unskilled in Winter driving. I speak only from the GTA point of view, where the white stuff seems to come as a complete surprise to most. It's not like the media doesn't repeat and spell diaster for us all when we're on the brink of receiving a mere 5 cms. It's called "snow tires" kids, preventive maintenance and adjusting your driving when there's flakes in the air...but I'm completely off track. After all, we shouldn't see any snow for weeks to come.....right?
No, it's Autumn first...where everything that was once lush and green and blooming starts it's walk towards the "light" and leaves us yearning, months from now, for that first hint and slight thrill of thawing soil and warmth on the breeze. Or when the leaves start to colour, which is really quite beautiful until they completely lose their charm and deposit themselves and all the neighbours too, (or so it seems), upon the lawn. I think we raked about 16 or 17 bags last year, which would've made excellent compost, had I had the space.
No...Autumn is a sad Season for me and I hate to see that which I had lovingly planted and nutured for several weeks, die off and disappear. The days shorten, nights are longer and temperatures are colder all signalling the transition. Yes, I shall probably mourn for a few weeks, but it too shall pass, like all the departures that have come and gone before. And I shall begin to mark my calender...how many days until Spring?
No, it's Autumn first...where everything that was once lush and green and blooming starts it's walk towards the "light" and leaves us yearning, months from now, for that first hint and slight thrill of thawing soil and warmth on the breeze. Or when the leaves start to colour, which is really quite beautiful until they completely lose their charm and deposit themselves and all the neighbours too, (or so it seems), upon the lawn. I think we raked about 16 or 17 bags last year, which would've made excellent compost, had I had the space.
No...Autumn is a sad Season for me and I hate to see that which I had lovingly planted and nutured for several weeks, die off and disappear. The days shorten, nights are longer and temperatures are colder all signalling the transition. Yes, I shall probably mourn for a few weeks, but it too shall pass, like all the departures that have come and gone before. And I shall begin to mark my calender...how many days until Spring?
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Bug Control
As we approach the first long weekend of the Summer, or so we like to call it. It brings back memories of past long weekends. Some of them spent flogging away at blackflies as you attempt to plant a garden. I discover about 15 years ago I have quite the allergic reaction to these vicious little buggers - pun intended.
One thing about living in the city, you don't have to deal with them as often and only the odd mosquito. Surprisingly I thought there would be just as many mosquito's around due to the amount of junk behind the house here.
But no, there's just as nasty a little monster that lurks there. The wasp, the yellow jacket, I really don't spend enough time standing still to discover it's true indentity. Another insect that seems to love me and I must avoid them at all costs. Because with each bite over the years, I seem to get a worse reaction. We're going to try hanging a wasp trap and I'd like to get one of those artificial wasp nests so they don't even nest behind the house (in the junk) in the first place. I think Fab likes the idea of "killing the bugs" where I would just like to avoid them, period!
One thing about living in the city, you don't have to deal with them as often and only the odd mosquito. Surprisingly I thought there would be just as many mosquito's around due to the amount of junk behind the house here.
But no, there's just as nasty a little monster that lurks there. The wasp, the yellow jacket, I really don't spend enough time standing still to discover it's true indentity. Another insect that seems to love me and I must avoid them at all costs. Because with each bite over the years, I seem to get a worse reaction. We're going to try hanging a wasp trap and I'd like to get one of those artificial wasp nests so they don't even nest behind the house (in the junk) in the first place. I think Fab likes the idea of "killing the bugs" where I would just like to avoid them, period!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Mothers Day 2010
Well, it's almost that time of year again...Mother's Day. sssssigh
It used to be a more important date for me, but now it's associated with a hint of sadness and memories. Not for the fact that I've never had a child of my own (do Chihuahua's count?) as I still feel the same way about having children. But, that it's been 9 years since I've lost my mother and I often think of her. The pain of the loss has eased of course, but so many times you get caught off guard by sights, smells, sounds and so on that remind you of the ones that have passed on. It's amazing how often she and dad have been in my dreams, most nights actually.
She may be gone, but she'll always be my mother, never to be replaced by anyone else!
Love You Mum! - Betty-Jane - 1933-2001
It used to be a more important date for me, but now it's associated with a hint of sadness and memories. Not for the fact that I've never had a child of my own (do Chihuahua's count?) as I still feel the same way about having children. But, that it's been 9 years since I've lost my mother and I often think of her. The pain of the loss has eased of course, but so many times you get caught off guard by sights, smells, sounds and so on that remind you of the ones that have passed on. It's amazing how often she and dad have been in my dreams, most nights actually.
She may be gone, but she'll always be my mother, never to be replaced by anyone else!
Love You Mum! - Betty-Jane - 1933-2001
Saturday, April 10, 2010
The Junkyard aka: The Compound
This is what lives behind the "shack". I can imagine what poisons have already leaked into the soil and contaminated the ground!
Although it's fenced, it can't possibly be legal in a residential area, can it? Of course, if I were to complain, a) would anything be done and b) I would probably have to identify myself.
I can't imagine the view from the woman's house behind this as she looks out her living room window?! Ack...
All I see out of the cracked kitchen window is a fence and a peek at the ladies house behind the "junkyard". Mind you, I'm not very tall, so I think Fab would have a better view.
BTW, if anyone sees something they think they might need, let me know. Then again, for him to sell stuff, it only encourages more buying and selling and trading. He's currently at 3 cars, 2 full size pick-ups, 2 cars (parts) to make one whole Lotus and a multitude of motorcycles and scooters/mopeds. These are located between his property and the entry into said "yunkyard". HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! :)
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
My Inner Hell
My head feels like it will explode
The pain is overwhelming
both physical and emotional.
I have to get out of here,
I'm losing myself, my being.
I am not a conformist!
Take me as I am, this is it.
It's hard to see
the flowing tears, they compete
with the pounding head.
I was doing so well
and starting to smile again.
To feel a little optimism
allow myself some hope.
But another reality
almost not of this world
Decided to impose
their warped out look on to me.
Only to collapse my
fragile stick walls
While I lay broken
on the floor.
I will decide
if I can rebuild.
If I do,
I shall use stone
and set out
the dogs to protect
my fragile heart.
....argosy....
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